The other day, I realized I have no regrets. Yes, I do feel bad that I have had a lapse of emotional control and yelled at Ella. I do feel bad that I have spanked her once or twice. But I realize that I am only human and have forgiven myself and asked Ella for forgiveness as well. She might not understand the words, but she certainly comprehends the emotions behind my words.
I don’t regret spending hours upon hours sitting on the couch while she cluster nursed for days on end, even though I was so fed up and ready just to throw in the towel.
I don’t regret being a few minutes late for church because it was so important for her to find her Little Baby to ride in the car with us. If anything, I learned that we need to get going earlier to allow for her needs.
I don’t regret holding nonstop conversation with her in the grocery store, even though I look the fool, to keep her involved in the situation and avoid a melt down.
I don’t regret being dairy free while nursing and preparing dairy free food and removing oranges from our diet (all things I love!) because I know that in 18 years or so, she’ll be out of the house and I’ll have the rest of my life to enjoy those things. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I’ve been in tears in the grocery store aisle but it is all temporary and this too shall pass.
I don’t regret having to lock myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes while she pounds on the other side just so I can get a breath and shed a tear or two before composing myself and deal with her being SUCH a toddler.
I don’t regret the emotional exhaustion I come to from finding new ways to deal with her toddler nature, to help her learn appropriate ways to express emotions and live within home boundaries/rules without squelching her personality.
I don’t regret leaving her with my husband or friends for a few hours to get out of the house childfree (well, as child free as a pregnant woman can be) to refresh and replenish my emotional and mental well being.
THIS is what I need to remember when I’m struggling. 12 years from now, I will NOT regret spending this time and energy in raising my child. I am doing the right thing, even though I am a flawed human and will make mistakes. As long as I admit them, make the appropriate repairs, and learn, they won’t be regrets.