On Being NOT Pregnant

18 Nov

I would like to preface this with saying that no, we have never had fertility struggles and I would never dream of assuming to understand the pain that couples go through. This is simply where I am and what I have been experiencing.

Someone expressed surprise that I wasn’t pregnant (yet) again. I simply shook my head and said, “It isn’t time”.

Inside, I wanted to cry.

I desperately want more children. More than the two we have. More than three. Maybe even more than four. I have day dreams of family Thanksgiving dinners, noisy, filled with laughter and inside family jokes. Adult children with their significant others and their own children, all surrounding a dining room table extended by card tables and spilling into the living room.

There are so many other reasons why we want more than the status quo of 2.5 children, but that has been the mental picture most prevalent in my mind of late. Possibly because of the upcoming holidays.

If I had my way, I’d be nauseated, nibbling saltine crackers, and thinking that whoever entitled it “morning sickness” must have been a childless man who was the youngest of his siblings. I’d be looking forward to the first flutterings of movement, unpacking maternity clothes, planning freezer meals… the list goes on and on.

But instead, I wait.

It isn’t time.

Aaron and I have prayed about it, talked about it to death, and prayed some more. The answer remains the same. Wait. While we have a time to start trying, waiting is so painful. I feel a bit of grief every time my period comes, as if that is one less eternal soul I will have the possibility of meeting, knowing, and loving. One less possible little person I have to hold, kiss, love, and bring into the world.

I kept on telling myself, “At least the answer isn’t no” but that brings only a small bit of comfort and isn’t very soothing.

After a few months of dealing with these emotions, I shared with someone how I was feeling. She expressed some beautiful sentiments to me that really spoke to my heart. It came down to the idea that suffering (grief, sadness, longing, delay) is beautiful. My desires, my wishes are being put aside in favor of what we see as God asking us to do. This obedience, as painful as it is, will ultimately lead to exactly what my heart is desiring.

I truly believe that waiting, that working through this voluntary suffering, will make the end result even sweeter than I can imagine.



5 Responses to “On Being NOT Pregnant”

  1. Julie November 18, 2010 at 8:39 am #

    I don’t know about others, but you can rest assured I wouldn’t misread your intentions on this topic. You’re very sensitive and kind to add the disclaimer 🙂

    What you described sounds a LOT like what infertility feels like. There is that overwhelming sense that every missed cycle is a loss, and that forces beyond your control are shaping your life events in a way that feels painful to you. Family building is a complex process, and the mere fact that you’re choosing to wait because your circumstances would make a pregnancy now very difficult for your family doesn’t mean it isn’t an extremely hard decision and that the waiting isn’t torturous. <333

  2. CarrierMom November 18, 2010 at 8:54 am #

    You are such a strong and beautiful woman!! I just wanted to say I am giving you many hugs your way, and I love you.

  3. Liz November 18, 2010 at 1:16 pm #

    That was beautiful. Though I am still in the state of relief when my period comes it is encouraging to hear the stories of a mom who really wants children because she loves them. Like you somehow balance me out in the grand scheme of things. I am happy for you and your children, that you have each other.

  4. Jade @ Tasting Grace November 18, 2010 at 2:15 pm #

    I can totally empathize with you on this one…especially that sadness and disappointment when Aunt Flo comes, even though you know it’s for the best. For me, it’s because my body and heart are so ready for kids, but our lives are in such flux right now, we know we will be much better parents if only we wait just a little while longer. But that is a hard to decision to make, and to continually make until the right time comes. But pile love on your two little ones and be grateful you have them (not that you aren’t; I’m just sayin’), and enjoy the time you have to devote attention to them before other little ones begin to divide your attention more.
    And in the meantime, {{HUGS}}

  5. Elizabeth Esther December 4, 2010 at 8:38 pm #

    A beautiful reflection. Waiting is such necessary pain sometimes. I admire you for being strong enough to actually do it.

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