Tomorrow is AUGUST!!! The month I’ll give birth!!!! ahhhhhh!!!!!
Okay, now that I’ve got THAT out of my system…
Tomorrow is looking like a FULL day. We’re going as a family to spend the day at the Children’s Museum. I’m really looking forward to spending quality time with my husband and Ella, making memories of just the three of us before we become four. Hopefully I’ll get lots of great pictures to share!
I can’t believe that in a few short weeks I’ll be able to do this again! Can’t be this week, though… My midwife is out of state visiting her first grandchild!!!
A few months ago, I wrote about my postpartum depression struggles and how they impacted my life. Now that birth is creeping every closer to being reality, the idea of postpartum depression is weighing heavily on my mind. Will I be able to identify it this time? Will I have the strength to reach out for help? Will I even suffer from PPD this time around?
I’ve finally sat down and listed out the things that will help me prevent and/or deal with PPD. On a personal level, I’ve found that if I put things “out there” where I know others will read, I’m more likely to stick to the plan instead of deviating from the set path.
I am already on a therapeutic dosage of Zoloft and actually have been since half way through the 1st trimester. Very low dosage in the grand scheme of things, but it’s enough to keep me mentally stable while still experiencing the normal emotional ups and downs of pregnancy. There’s something about the way my body’s chemistry changed this pregnancy that caused me to have almost debilitating anxiety issues that mimicked PPD so closely, I knew I needed help if I wanted to even have a fighting chance during the postpartum period.
A friend of mine has offered to keep tabs on me and drop by my house on occasion without calling before hand (not during nap time, though!) to make sure I’m *really* doing okay. It’s one thing to put on a happy face when on the phone or emailing or even getting together on a regular basis with friends. It’s something quite different to force a facade when someone caring just shows up on your doorstep.
I have the phone numbers of a few friends who are regular night owls or insomniacs and are regularly up around 2am. I found that 2am was the hardest time for me and they have graciously offered to hold my hand over the phone if I have a melt down.
On Tuesdays, I will be making a point of leaving the house. Every Tuesday, no exceptions unless the snow is so bad that Aaron feels it’s unsafe since I don’t trust my judgment based on my past experiences. In our town, there are a lot of kid friendly things to do on Tuesdays. There is a nursing mother’s group that meets just across the street from us, our church has brunch and fellowship for moms with childcare provided, and the local Borders bookstore has story time.
The same friend who has offered to stop by the house has also offered for me to come to her house in the morning on Thursdays so her daughter and Ella can play and I can have some adult conversation with someone else holding Miles.
Aaron is very supportive of me taking a few hours once a week to get out of the house with just Miles as a break from reality, so to speak. I think Panera’s will be our haunt of choice. Last Saturday was my last day of work and I didn’t realize how much I looked forward to getting out of the house and having no child responsibilities until it was no long an option! One of the key items missing from my last postpartum period was taking time to be just me and meet my own emotional needs. I’m hoping that by having a predeclared day and time to do my own thing will help meet my own personal needs.
And of course, this time I have so many more supportive friends that don’t just live in my computer. They are available for face to face gatherings and have experienced similar struggles. Having online resources and connections is important for me and is one of the few things that pulled me through last time. However, real life interaction is even more important and I am so thankful I have that available this time.
Having written that all out helps me feel like life will be manageable this time. I won’t drown. I won’t loose a chunk of my children’s life again. I will enjoy the early days of my son’s life and cherish watching my daughter become the big sister I know she will be.
I think I suffered from can only be described as pregnancy amnesia.
So many women I talk to say that there is such a thing as birth amnesia. You forget within hours the struggle and pain that birthing your child caused and before long, you’re ready to do it again. I’ve never struggled with remembering the discomfort or overwhelming sensations that, at times, were almost drowning. The back labor? Yeah, those memories aren’t fading anytime soon. What makes me particularly crazy in so many minds is that I love giving birth.
Let me state that again.
I love giving birth.
Despite the constant, never ending back pain of labor, pushing for hours, waiting through a contraction while my midwife stretched things out so I didn’t tear… The sense of laboring, bringing my child down and out into this world was incredible. I felt like a mother goddess, if you will. The sense of power, strength, love, and overwhelming accomplishment is almost intoxicating.
I can’t wait to do it again!
Pregnancy, on the other hand, is the bane of my existence. In labor, the discomfort and pain has a purpose and will be over within a relatively short amount of time. Pregnancy pain drags on and on and on, preventing me from sleeping, walking, driving a car, and fulfilling my urgent need to nest.
The hot flashes, extreme sense of smell, sensitive stomach, weird inability to eat if it the options don’t appeal 100%, insomnia and a billion other things COMPLETELY SLIPPED MY MIND when Aaron and I were discussing having another child. All I could think about was how awesome it will be to give birth and have another soul in our care to tend to.
In my worst moments, as I’m laying on the couch crying, I wonder what on earth we were thinking to have me get pregnant. Oh, that’s right. WE WEREN’T THINKING. I remember looking through past journal entries while we were discussing additional children last fall and thinking, “Oh, it really wasn’t that bad. That’s hormones talking.”
Note to future self: It is NOT simply hormones talking. It really is that hard!
But you know what? It’s worth it. Totally and completely 100% worth it. My pregnancy experiences make me treasure my children all the more for having worked so hard for them.
A DITL is a Day In The Life presented in pictures and captions. I thought it was a neat idea, so here’s my DITL from yesterday. Just as a warning, this is NOT dialup friendly. 🙂
I still don’t understand why there is a “good” in front of “morning”.
Showering to feel human and a bit disgruntled that the towel doesn’t fit all the way around anymore.
Feeling a bit better but still skeptical about the day.
Life gets better when I see that the husband is cooking breakfast!
Insert about 45 minutes of rush rush rush while we get ready to head out the door to my midwife appointment! Ella loves going to see Miss Sherry!
I, on the other hand, do not love all the construction we must endure to see Sherry!
My head is causing a lot of pain and we manage to get to the office with enough time to stop for caffeine.
It may not be gourmet, hand crafted specialty coffee but it meets the need for caffeine and is within budget!
Ah, the things you learn as a mother. Turning the AC on high cools down hashbrowns, french fries, and chicken nuggets very quickly.
She certainly appreciates the speed at which her hashbrown cooled down!
We spend some time in the parking lot while Ella finishes her snack, while giggling over the discovery that she can see me in the flip down mirror.
At the office, Ella insists on helping by holding the urine catch cup and coaching me while I attempt to fill it.
Not looking too bad for 36 weeks and change!
We spend some time wiggling toes and coloring.
My beloved midwife, Sherry. She caught Ella and was such an amazing support and encouragement during my birth. I couldn’t have done it without her and I can’t wait to do it again!!!
After my appointment, we play at the park for a while. Ella’s a bit unsure about all the big kids.
We get home and while eating lunch, I catch up on my blog reader.
Reading books before nap.
After she’s asleep, I change into some amazingly attractive clothing!
And prepare to make a mess.
2 hours later, 24 gerber prefolds (that are useless as diapers) are turned into sort of interesting burp rags.
While cleaning up, I manage a truly brilliant move and spray myself in the face with dye laden back splash. Good times to be had!
I finish just in time for Ella to get up from her nap and she enjoys some promised Elmo time while I eat something and enjoy some brain candy.
My reading is interrupted by a giggling girl child wanting me to nurse her baby.
After baby doll’s tummy is full, I take these items…
And turn them into a YUMMY fruit salad with a fantastic assistant chef.
After dinner, Ella tries to convince me that she can go to bed completely naked. We compromise on just a diaper.
After helping Ella go to sleep, I come out and find Aaron getting his news and political fill. We spend some time discussing his recent reads.
Before I know it, it’s time for bed and I finish out the day in the same room I began it.
Good night!
Giving a new friend a kiss.
We went to a local garden on Sunday and Ella was enamored with this brass statue and was SO confused and upset that she wouldn’t come and play.
I don’t ever really remember loving the outdoors. What I do remember is Mom pushing me to go outside occasionally and I’d make sure to bring my favorite book to read while settled in some shade. Even hiking as a little girl with Dad was filled with the thrill of spending Daddy Daughter time with him — not finding cool rocks, empty bullet shells, or wading through streams. As a young teen, I remember experiencing relief when my brother became old enough to take over my place as Dad’s hiking partner since I had found other ways to spend time with him.
Having a child who loves Loves LOVES going “ou-side” has been quite the growing experience for me. There hardly goes a day where she doesn’t wake up and beg to go “bye byes” or “ou-side”. We’ve been blessed with a great back yard that has a deck, shade, lush grass, and is COMPLETELY fenced in. I know I benefit from spending time in the fresh air and sunshine. It helps my mood and I always feel uplifted so long as it isn’t 85+ degrees with crazy humidity. Sweating isn’t on my list of mood lifters.
Anyway.
Going to the park is always fun, but Ella doesn’t have a healthy relationship with common sense yet and scares me to death half the time with her shenanigans. Not to mention the parks don’t have bathrooms or very gross bathrooms and being pregnant isn’t too conducive to hovering over the toilet seat. Playing in the backyard is obviously an option but she’s been getting a bit bored with the same things to play with and has taken to climbing up on the built in deck bench and trying to climb down the backside. If there was grass underneath, I would be more comfortable with her monkey like ways but there is hard pavement on that side of the deck AND the bench seat is about 3 feet off the ground. I’d rather not have to carry my daughter into the ER with a broken arm or split skull while in the late third trimester of pregnancy, thanks.
So last week, I hit upon an idea. Her turtle sandbox got dumped out earlier last month and had just been sitting there, empty and forlorn. I dragged it out from behind the trees and filled it with water. Color my girl child THRILLED to have her own pool! Stripped down to her diaper, hat, and sunglasses, she had a blast. Before long, she asked for her diaper off and I complied. Evidently, playing naked outside is the best toddler fun EVER. Although, I think we scandalized the man who mows the church’s lawn and our lawn. Every time he swung past on the riding lawn mower, he’d just shake his head and look away.
Friday morning after my midwife appointment, Ella and I went to the outdoor mall to run around before heading home. Since none of the stores were open yet, I felt comfortable to let her run free without holding my hand.
We were about halfway to the play equipment when suddenly she stopped running, bent down, and began giggling helplessly. From where I was standing, I couldn’t see what she was so excited about. Before I could get over there, she poked something on the ground, shrieked and then began laughing all over again. I finally waddled myself over and saw the object of her fascination: A rolly polly bug.
We spent a good ten minutes playing with the rolly poly. Every time he would uncurl and start to scurry away, Ella would reach down and poke at him again to watch him roll up into a ball. She found endless amusement and it took a lot of convincing to get her to move on towards the benches where I could sit down.
As I watched her play, I thought back over her encounter with the rolly poly bug. If I had been by myself or pushing her in the stroller, I would have blown right past the little bug and we would have missed out on some great interaction. I want to live my life with the observant eyes of a toddler. I want to see the little things that can provide life with the simple joys. Things like that make the world go ’round and I don’t want to miss them.
Thank God for email reminders I plugged into my Google Calender. Otherwise I would have totally forgotten about Ella’s appointment on Monday that we’ve been waiting 4 months to go to!
In addition to your basic environmental allergies, she’s highly allergic to milk (duh), bananas, and shell fish. I asked her to be tested for shell fish because when I was exclusively nursing her, I went on a clam binge at Red Lobster one night and she had the most horrifying diaper rash that night. Then about six months later, we went back and let her have a bite of my clam strip and she broke out in these little welts all around her mouth.
Avocado, oranges, and tomatoes came up negative. HOORAY! The weird rash she gets shortly after consuming oranges and tomatoes is simply from the acidic nature of the food. As long as she doesn’t express discomfort, she’s good to go. YAY for being able to offer her the most favored fruit (aka oranges).
We came away with a bag full of swag: a practice epipen, a directional dvd on how/when to use it, TONS of brochures on food and environmental allergies, and a little zip case for the epipen that we picked up the day after her appointment. The piece of paper I’m most excited outlines exactly what to do if she consumes something she’s not suppose to have, based on her reaction(s). Now I don’t feel like I’m wallowing in the dark and afraid I’m going to cause my daughter to OD on benedryl.
In six months, we’re suppose to go back and retest the things she came up positive for this round. The only item that will be rechecked that wasn’t clearly a positive is wheat. If the doctor hadn’t known that Aaron has gluten issues, she wouldn’t have considered it a positive but considering our history she’s going to double check that at our next appointment. The doctor is very optimistic that Ella will outgrow her dairy issues by around ages 5-8, considering that she’s already able to consume products that have highly heat processed dairy in them (bread, crackers, etc). Hooray!!! It makes being dairy free so much easier knowing there is an end in sight.
This is how we spent a lot of our time to ignore the “itchies” on her back. Hooray for Elmo and watermelon!
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